A recent Wall Street Journal article is titled “Stop Asking ‘What Do You Do.’” Writer Joanne Lipman says the almost-exclusively American conversation opener is a holdover from our Protestant work ethic roots. But for those who may be going through a transitional phase (like a layoff) or who are choosing differently (like a stay-at-home parent) may feel that the question “conceal[s] a bundle of judgments: What’s your social status? What’s your income? What’s your education? Are you worth my time to talk to?” says Lipman.
It’s also challenging for retirees. I left my full-time job in 2020, but I often refer to it when answering about my work. I still write for clients part-time from home, but I often lead with “I spent most of my career in PR…” The R word just doesn’t feel right for me, like I’ve given up my identity, even though I’m happier in this phase of life than I’ve ever been.
Lipman writes, “We are what we do. Psychologists have a term for this: ‘enmeshment.’” It’s a term that implies the boundaries between what we do and who we are are so blurry that without a career identity, we’re not quite sure who we are as a person.
If you’re feeling too enmeshed with your career, it might be time to develop the parts of yourself that aren’t about work. Taking up a hobby that you’ve always been interested in. Volunteering in the community. Teaching your granddaughter to throw a sinker pitch. Studying history or a foreign language. Training for a 5K. Any activity that stimulates you makes you more interesting than your job title alone.
Enmeshment with our careers also makes it hard to admit that we’ve taken a step back from work – even if it’s the healthiest and most fulfilling thing you could have done. Lipman writes, “Career experts encourage staying in the game by freelancing, consulting or starting a new business. But once you’ve had an impressive title, saying you’re “self-employed” can feel ego-crushing.”
There’s a term for that: workism. It’s the way we tend to judge ourselves and others by what they do for a living. A waiter must be much less educated / wealthy / interesting than a stockbroker, right? By the time you finished that sentence, you felt bad, too, didn’t you?
So it may be time to let go of asking what people do for a living, although as a career coach and blogger, I have always been truly interested in what people do, why they chose it, and why they like it (if they do.) It will be a hard habit for me to give up.
But there are plenty of other questions we can start with when meeting new people. Here’s a partial list of questions I’d be interested in.
- What do you do for fun?
- What’s the best thing about your life right now?
- What are you watching or reading that you’re really enjoying?
- If you weren’t here right now, where would you want to be?
Answering these questions sound like a lot more fun than explaining your role at an accounting firm. Or you could answer the way Lipman says David Johnson, 53, a Washington, D.C.-based marketing and strategy consultant who has taken multiple career breaks, does: he now leans into his identity, detours and all: “When people ask me what I do, I answer simply, ‘I rock.’”
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